Death scares many, but not all. Those more frightened of dying arguably have more to lose. A partner, kids, a business, wealth. They may be afraid of what’s on the ‘other side’, or they feel that there is so much more to achieve, and so, just, “not yet”. If you have a just cause, fighting to the death might not be all that bad… and there is of course, a chance you could defeat the enemy, and win!
Historically, we fought. We had to fight for our food, land, women, and other resources. We also had to fight to protect what we had, including our children. Men went hunting, and protected home and clan. It’s how the human race survived, and so attacking (to hunt) and defending (to protect) are ingrained – it’s in our DNA.
Modern Western society would have us believe that we’ve moved on from all of that, and that somehow we’re morally, ethically and culturally progressed – but, we’re not. Far from it. When something kicks off, we kick into gear, and our instincts take over. It’s part of the reason people argue, lash out, get into punch-ups, and ultimately, into trouble! It’s also why relationships break down and people get fired (poor conduct) or walk away (self-preservation) from jobs.
What’s asked of us, is to ‘respond’ instead of ‘react’, but that’s easier said than done. It takes a significant amount of awareness, personal insight, and control, to slow down enough once triggered, to ‘respond’. Society wants us to think calmly and rationally, and to deliver an ‘appropriate’ response to a situation. But how would you behave if a stranger grabbed your wife’s ass? Or, someone tried to steal your wallet?
Would you fight to the death? Or would you back off, and run in the opposite direction? We’re told to let muggers have what they want, but if we’d done that years ago, our land, food, women and children would have been taken, and we’d be either dead, or sent running for the hills, never to be seen again.
Most of us however do not come up against muggers in the street, but instead, we experience threats and stresses in modern workplaces, homes, and families. Instead of farming, fighting and fucking, we’re concerned with deadlines, drama, and decisions – about parenting, finances, and how to best survive this cost of living crisis. The same instincts kick in though. A trigger, stress, or challenge will call upon the same physiological responses as a rival clan marching your way. There has to be a victory, or there will be death… that’s how we’re wired.
Bills piling up and food doubling in price instils fear, worry, dread, and stress! As a parent, how many of you have preserved the fruit only for the kids? Or maybe you’ve gone without a meal or two, to ensure there’s enough to go round the dinner table without you joining in. We do whatever it takes to survive – and that includes crime. Shoplifting for Calpol and nappies has gone through the roof!
We also start caring less about others, when we’re hell bent on survival. So if your boss asks you to work late again, or piles on the load, do you smack them in the face, or do you internalise that frustration and quietly quit? Do you tell them to get fucked, or go home and sink a beer? How do we let off steam? Why is it not socially acceptable to have a shouting match in the office, or to scream the house down once in a while? Is it really so bad to release our true emotions?
Apparently, it is. If a guy lets lose, he’s labelled as ‘violent’ or ‘aggressive’. If a women does it, she’s ’emotionally unstable’ or a ‘drama queen’. Nope – pretty sure we’re just human, experiencing and releasing emotions! And it’s better out than in, as the saying goes. If we don’t release it, we retain it all inside and it builds up and eats away, until eventually we either implode (e.g. self-harm, addiction) or explode (e.g. beat someone, smash our car up). And sometimes, a human can work themselves towards deserving a slap… I’ve been hit, and not felt the need to call the police. Animals in the jungle fight, and so do we. Kids bash each other to work out a pecking order and to test their mettle. But when adults do it, we’re somehow ‘out of control’. If you can dish it out, be prepared to take some back – regardless of sex/gender.
Years of Martial Arts training has taught me how to fight (attacking and defending), but it would seem that we’re only “allowed” to fight in controlled environments. You’re in big trouble should you fight in the street or wrestle a fellow shopper over the last discounted tin of beans! Hey… my kids need to eat!
But, whichever way we go, inward, or outward, there can be some serious negative consequences. Go to talking therapy they say… no thanks. But give me a pair of gloves and a punch bag. I can let go in ten minutes on the bag more than in any counselling session, breath work or meditation. When we’re fired up, we need to let it out. There are chemicals raging in our system, and cortisol (the stress hormone) flowing through our veins… that shit needs to go somewhere.
Don’t tell me to “calm down” when I’m pissed off. Let me burn off the hormones, and my body will come back down to a more settled state – one in which I can think more clearly. You cannot be rational when you’re fired up, the chemistry inside your body and brain doesn’t allow for it. I just wish organisations such as schools and the police understood this more – it would help them change their approach to certain people and situations.
If you’re fired up and your back is against the wall, you’ll come out fighting – even if that looks like yelling down the phone at a call-handler as you attempt to deal with a debt payment (attacking the threat) or you’re requesting support for a disabled child (defending the clan). We’re supposed to be decent and polite, yet what we actually want to do is rip someone’s head off. It’s why a seemingly simple road-rage incident can turn very ugly. We’re in ‘fight mode’ and we have to win!
We’re aiming for victory, in order to prevent death. We need the win so that there’s no loss. But of course, everyone is looking for the win, and so everyday life becomes one massive competition – from jumping the queue at the supermarket to getting the promotion at work. Workloads and the hectic nature of our modern lives appear to be things that we need to overcome, optimise or master, and so we strive for productivity and systems to help us ‘achieve’ – to win.
But it’s all a fallacy. Capitalism thrives on our desire to win. It keeps us hungry, and striving for more. It gets our backs up and our cortisol flowing, and then sells us fags and booze to keep everything in check. We’re also sold gym memberships to deal with the need to be physical, and productivity gurus who promise a better life… if only you’ll pay for this course and that seminar. We’ve been given both problem and solution, or so it would seem.
Some of us hold onto past traumas and therefore, we’re arguably already at a certain percentage of hacked off or always on the lookout for a threat. When something else comes along to upset or anger us, we quickly reach breaking or boiling point – and those around us wonder why simply tripping over a pair of shoes sends us into a meltdown or causes an outburst. We’re sent into ‘fight mode’ too quickly and too frequently. It might seem silly, but, typically there’s an underlying issue here that needs to be dealt with… perhaps with a pair of gloves and a punch bag.
There are two other alternatives to ‘fight’, and that’s ‘flight’ (running away) or ‘freeze’ (doing nothing). I’m not going to discuss those here, but typically, we don’t get a choice – we just ‘react’. Threaten me or my family and you might just want to back away. Most other blokes will react in the same manner. It’s not our fault, we’re wired that way. We have to protect, and win… because there is either victory, or there is death.
